How to double the capacity of the rail network in three easy lessons

Double the capacity? Really? I'm listening!

Right well get a pencil and paper because here we go.

Lesson 1. Stop thinking about Metro and V/Line separately. Treat Ringwood, Dandenong and Frankston the same as Geelong, Ballarat and Bendigo. That means onboard toilets, comfy seats and super express running. Eventually we can string electric wires over the interurban network but that's later.

Lesson 2. Through route everything. Terminating at Southern Cross or Flinders Street and occupying a platform while the driver changes ends is an incredibly wasteful use of scarce inner city platform space.

Lesson 3. Spread recovery time around the Loop stations. Instead of adding seven minutes to the timetable at Flinders Street, add two there and at Southern Cross and one each at Flagstaff, Melbourne Central and Parliament. That way there's still a buffer in case the train arrives late, but each platform at Flinders Street can handle more trains per hour. And since a rail line is only as strong as its weakest link, that boosts the capacity of the whole line.

Lesson 4. Abandon the concept of the single seat journey. Most passengers will burn me in effigy for that, but it has a lot of advantages.

OK, maybe I lied about there being three. And about them being easy.

But it's worth it. Let's put these ideas together and see how they could actually double our capacity without needing an $11bn tunnel.

Run V/Line interurban services from the west through Southern Cross, through Flinders Street and out to the east (lesson 2). Don't stop them for long in the city (lesson 3), which means a single pair of platforms will easily handle twelve trains an hour. That means you can put the Metro and V/Line trains on the same platforms (lesson 1), and run them both at a useful frequency. (The exact frequency you can have is a trade-off with the average speed you let the V/Line trains run at, due to a foible of the universe which states that a fast train and a slow train can't occupy the same space at the same time without the physics police coming down on them like a ton of bricks.)

Metro services can then be redesigned for short journeys - Sunshine, Box Hill and Oakleigh via the City Loop, and new metro services radiating out from the major centres. We have a Bendigo suburban network, why not a Ringwood suburban network? It can have branches to Blackburn, Lilydale and Belgrave. Anyone commuting from Mooroolbark to the city can change trains at Ringwood (lesson 4), which is a bit inconvenient but from there to the city they don't have the stop-start-stop-start journey they do today, and it'll be faster and more comfortable.

Of course it sounds rather like this won't boost capacity at all because the same people will be crowding onto the same trains but at fewer stations. Not quite so - anyone travelling from Narre Warren to Noble Park will stay on the Metro service. Anyone wanting to get to Chelsea to pick up the Smartbus won't touch the overcrowded express service at all. Today, of course, those people are the ones we adore because we can recycle their seats, for which favour we forgive them for blocking the doorway by getting off the train - but under this system they won't be on the train at all, which means less dwell time at stations and faster running.

That last example, of someone who only uses the train to get to the cross-town Smartbus, is the key. The only reason most of today's passengers go to the city is because that's what the trains do. Cross-town travel is outgrowing radial travel and has been for some years, but in many cases the easiest way to get across town is to take a train to the city fringe (eg Richmond) and out again. By deliberately breaking the single-seat journey from most outer stations to the city, this method allows the cross-town Smartbus routes to shine in their own right, without having to compete with the convenience of the single-seat train journeys.

So let's review our three easy lessons.
Lesson 1. Stop thinking about Metro and V/Line separately
Lesson 2. Through route everything
Lesson 3. Spread recovery time around the Loop stations
Lesson 4. Abandon the single seat journey.

Don't forget to name and date your exam papers.

A Quick Trip to Queensland: tram envy!

Well hello there folks! It's a lovely day to be back on midga.blogspot.com telling you all about the wonderful time we've had! A funny thing happened to me on the way to the Gold Coast...

So I left you all on tenterhooks wondering what might happen after Kristi picked us up. Well, we spent lots of time gasbagging with her (and her parents, who are similarly awesome), but what you all want to know about is what happened once we got to the Gold Coast. Because the Gold Coast has a brand new tram system!

We saw the tram tracks as we were coming off the freeway, but our main impression was of the way they go through the middle of Surfers Paradise itself. Almost all the track is completely independent (a Class B system - there's still traffic lights) with just a few sections where traffic joins the tram line for a short section. But even there it's a pure thoroughfare with no on-street parking so it flows fairly well.

The service is fairly frequent, and seems to be quite popular - they run 40m trams (our D2s and Es are 30m) and when we rode one it was packed to the gills. Of course, it was New Years Eve at the time - which was why we were on the tram, pushing through the crowds on the footpath isn't as much fun here as it is in Melbourne where most people walk in straight lines.

There was plenty to see apart from the trams. The "Aquaduck" is a hybrid bus/boat, with massive tyres like a container fork and a V-shaped hull like a Bushranger armoured personnel carrier. It drives around the streets for a bit like a tourist bus in any other city, and then it goes out into the water. And it doesn't just wade either, it has a propeller and rudder at the back of the hull! We didn't go on it but we saw it around plenty.

While we were out shopping we saw one of those stands in the walkway advertising heavily discounted tickets to various tourist attractions - including the Outback Spectacular, which had the same logo as the Snowy River Spectacular we saw on DVD all those years ago (and which sparked off Midga's interest in country music, which is why there's so much of it on my MicroSD card). So we stopped to find out what was up.

We were asked at the beginning whether we were Australian, New Zealand or Fijian residents over the age of 25. That was a bit weird. Then we were asked to fill in a form saying how much we earn, and various other bits of please-spam-me information. Still, a 70% discount is a 70% discount, and with the amount of spam protection available these days how bad can it be? So we signed up.

As it turned out, the spam wasn't the kind that arrives in the inbox or the letterbox - it was a case of sitting down with a salesperson for a 90 minute interview offering us membership of a club that gives discount holidays. "Did you know that you'll spend $131,500 on holidays over the next 30 years? Pay us $37,000 and we'll give you free holidays for the next 65 years!"

We knew from the get-go that we were going to say no, but played along a bit (we didn't have our Outback Spectacular tickets yet). It helped that the room was incredibly noisy and the sales woman wasn't really listening. "If you could have your dream holiday, where would you go?" "Port Melbourne beach, it has the best sand of any beach I've been to worldwide!" Apparently she mishead Port Douglas. "If you went to Paris, where would you want to stay?" "My friend lives there, I'd stay with them and sleep on the couch!"

As a last ditch attempt to make a sale she showed us the kind of room we could be staying in if we signed up. It wasn't anything particularly special, but the design of the ensuite and kitchen were quite clever so we made mental notes in order to copy the design for our own house.

It was interesting to analyse her selling technique. It was a fairly standard one where she said money wasn't everything in life and it's good to spend time with your family and friends before they grow up and leave home - the unstated major premise being that in order to spend time with your family you need to go on a holiday and stay at a posh hotel. She exposed her hand when she said something on the lines of "What, you'd rather sleep on a friend's couch than in a resort like this?"

When we'd finally considered all the options and weighed the alternatives at length to arrive at our decision we headed back up the highway to the theme park area where the Outback Spectacular was set up. As we went in they handed out hats with coloured bands - the audience were divided into teams which would be pitted against each other in the "audience participation" bits of the show. We got to keep the hats at the end of the show too.

In the foyer before the show there was a country singer standing on a stagecoach accompanying himself with a guitar and a backing track. All round the walls were old signs, photos and even bits of machinery to get us in the mood. I could swear the shearing gear was straight out of Pat's main shed.

Once the doors opened and we went inside we were seated in heavily tiered seats (which was good, I was worried about seeing over people wearing hats) with a full dinner setting ready and waiting for us. Luckily I didn't have to endure the whole waiting-for-humans-to-eat thing as the dining was part of the show! Soup was served during the Mobile Phone Speech, and then when the plot referred to Bluey the cook looking after the cast on their camping trip they served it to the audience as well. And yet it didn't seem stilted at all.

As a show it lacked plot - the story line was basically just a way of stringing together a whole lot of clever acts. Nothing like the Snowy River version at all. But the horsey bits were more amazing, and there were tricks with sheep dogs, quad bikes, a classic Holden ute, an old pre-war diesel truck and a circus trapeze act. All in all a very good night's entertainment!

New Year's Eve in Surfers Paradise looked like an ant colony from our 22nd storey room. The beach had been cordoned off for a section so they could let off the fireworks, and from our altitude the crowd was a mass of blinking lights - even if cameras don't flash, they have LCDs. We spent a lot of the evening drawing house plans - it can be quite a social activity, everyone likes thinking about how a home can work. In the end Asha got a bit stressed out by people constantly offering conflicting suggestions and packed the drawings away.

So here we are, it's New Year's Day of 2016 and we're flying home. Brisbane Airport Domestic Terminal Gate 28 has some highly evil power points - located in a perfect location near the waiting area but with no power coming out of them. So we bought an iced coffee as an excuse to sit next to a vending machine which was plugged into a double power point with nothing in the second outlet. Phew!

Looking out the window we saw a plane with upswept winglets - not the double arrow type which Jetstar have always painted orange since they got their first A320s. Unfortunately on closer inspection it was just a slightly newer A320. Still, we got to board via the airstairs (they had two sets in use) and from the tarmac we saw a Jetgo regional jet boarding at the next gate.

As a flight it was fairly nondescript. We were above cloud most of the way, and in-flight entertainment is via an iPad which can be hired for the duration of the flight for $10. No thanks. Unfortunately our neighbour in front was rude enough to not only lean his seat back without regard for us, but then complain that he was being poked in the back. Luckily he consumed enough alcohol during the flight to mellow down a bit.

Personally, I felt a bit miffed at the amount of liquid spilled on me during the flight. First Asha opened a serving of milk to put in her hot chocolate and it splashed all over me. Then another passenger opened a baby's bottle, which had been sealed up at ground level air pressure. But unlike the water bottle trick which just gives you a jet of compressed air, this sprayed water because the bottle had a straw all the way to the bottom. Well, I guess this is why Lenovo designed me with a keyboard that can resist spillages.

Asha and Kristi kept going on the house plans through most of the flight, drawing bathrooms on the back of the airsickness bags in the seat pockets! I think it's a step down from sketches on a shirt cuff or table napkin, which is where most good ideas come from, but hey, we use whatever we need to!

We were early into Melbourne, so Air Traffic Control told the captain to slow down, which meant throttling back the engines way before descent. It was strange to hear the different note without seeing the nose-down attitude. We arrived about 15 minutes early, and as we taxied to Terminal 4 we passed some Rex SAAB 340s - one of which was VH-REX! As we got off the plane we noticed we'd been flying on VH-VFT, and I can't help but wonder what would happen if Jetstar ran high speed rail.

Due to the amount of space in the car Midga and I had to take the Skybus home! It took a few goes to get aboard, because on the way back to the city it stops to pick up at three different places, so they have to be careful not to let the bus get too full at T4 (which is the first stop). But we got one of the brand new double deckers, and we got the Seat of Power right up the front! Like the London double deckers we rode last year it rolled quite alarmingly, especially when overtaking on the freeway. We didn't notice any differences in its behaviour which could be attributed to the twin-steer layout. Maybe it affects the height - we went full tilt under the railway at Dudley Street, which is signposted as 4.3m clearance, whereas the bus they're using at Werribee is 4.42m and the new London Routemasters are about the same. As we got in toward home we went downstairs to be near the door but the driver told us off. :( As it turns out there's not much seating downstairs at all - just luggage racks and some longitudinal flip-down seats. There are two stairwells, one at each end, which cuts down capacity a lot - they each take up three meters (on one side) of the available space.

So we disembarked, crossed the road, and walked one block to get home. Now quick, let's tidy the place up before the girls get home!

A Quick Trip to Queensland: out hunting EMUs

So we're in the middle of Brisbane, living atop Central station, and have half a day to kill. What shall we do? We shall go gunzelling!

We left Asha to rest her weary knees and read her book, bought a GoCard (which is, according to the station staff, like a Myki but refundable), and headed down to the platforms. Since all the lines run at a fairly low frequency there were some minutes before the next service was due, but that was OK because it gave us a chance to check Wikipedia so we could recognise the different types of train. The original 1970s EMUs are almost all still in service, so let's ride as many as we can!

Central Station has an underpass connecting the platforms which is lined with old photos of QR operations - a sort of mini museum. The stand-out feature for me was a little window in the wall (which was, we saw, only a modern facade over a much older wall) showing all the types of tiles which had lined the underpass in years past. Let's bear this in mind for Flinders Street - since the tiles are heritage listed but any attempt to clean them is doomed to failure because of their maintenance intensity, we should copy this idea of just preserving a very small section in a special heritage section of the station.

When we finished looking at the photos we started our gunzelling with a trip to Roma Street. If you're reading at home, you can think of Central as Flinders Street and Roma Street as Southern Cross. So we found ourselves an EMU, jumped aboard and waited. Yes, Central is like Flinders Street even to the amount of dwell time for each train running through.

EMUs have a quite distinct set of sounds. Most of them are vaguely reminiscent of a W tram - the controller notching up, the motors revving, and the air brakes. We never heard the compressors though. The seats aren't original, but they're very nice, just like the ones in the IMUs we rode last night.

At Roma Street we headed for Platform 10, to see if any long distance trains were running. Mmmm, narrow gauge locos. Or maybe tilt trains. No such luck - it being Boxing Day there was track work and everything was bustituted. Then we went to Platform 2, which is where the XPT calls in. Dual gauge track with a huge gap between the rails! And overhead wires!

Even better, Roma Street has a busway stop attached - in fact, the busway is really part of the station, because there's cross-platform interchange between the XPT and the south-eastern busway. Now I have to tell you, busways are big in Brisbane - since the trains have such low frequency, the buses have to be pretty good, so they've given them Class A right-of-way to make them quick. Shall we take a ride? Yes, let's.

We don't want to get lost, so we take a bus which is heading for another bus/rail interchange. The bus is just like any other (a fairly modern Volgren, for the record) but as it descends into the tunnel we're disappointed to see that the busway is just a road - no o-bahn guidance system or anything. There's even traffic lights to separate out the different routes, so while they've done the most expensive bit of Class A infrastructure (the tunnel) there's a lot they could do with smart technology to speed up the trips.

South Bank isn't a very good bus/train interchange, but that's not a disaster because it's so close to the city that people are unlikely to interchange there. Heading to the station we find that it's 15 minutes before the next train back to the city, but that gives us a chance to take photos of outbound trains!

We stay on the train through Central and go to Bowen Hills, partly to get a bit more of a run (it's another EMU so we want to get as much time on them as possible) but mostly because Mayne Depot is there. We saw it on the way in last night - sparks, locos, the lot, all maintained and stabled there. Unfortunately we can't get anywhere near it because of the security, and there's a freeway bridge running right past so we can't even walk around the perimeter like we used to do at Southbank tram depot.

It's now time to head back and check out of the hotel. Kristi is coming to pick us up and life is always fun when she's around.

A Quick Trip to Queensland: landing in Brisbane

By reading the destructions in the in-flight magazine Midga has worked out that wifi can be switched on independently of flight mode, and now has full access to the entertainment app. Without headphones the only thing to do is look at the map - as we fired up the app we were flying between Gunnedah and Tamworth, and the lights of the town were visible below. Only just - it's a bit foggy, and the wingtip light means we can't see a lot. On a plane this size it feels like we can reach out the window and touch the wingtip (and it even has a nice winglet which would provide a nice hand hold) but on a pressurised plane I don't think it would be a good idea.

Soon after we started our descent and tried to gather as much geographical knowledge about South East Queensland as possible. The landing itself was pretty smooth, but the amount of reverse thrust that was applied to bring us up was quite substantial. The E190 feels a lot more nimble than a 777 though, so it didn't feel out of place.

We disembarked (last - it's easiest to just stay put and let everyone else crowd the aisle as long as they want to), collected our baggage and headed for the Airtrain. Now last time Midga was in Brisbane he didn't know either me or Asha, but he did know about trains, and decided to ride from International to Domestic while Dad was de-hiring the hire car. This time we'd take a proper journey, all the way to the city.

We just missed a service, and the normal train frequency in Brisbane is half an hour. That's not so good. Still, nothing to do but wait. Well, and make snide Facebook posts about narrow gauge rails.

By the time we got onto the train it was dark, and the double glazing and scratchiti meant we couldn't see much out the window. For the record, it was IM8162, the I standing for Interurban - this service would run all the way to the Gold Coast. The seating was about the same as we'd find on any spark at home, but with Real Padding that would stay comfortable for the whole trip. It was very quiet inside, even when we were cruising at 100km/h.

Coming off the airport branch onto the main system we merged with two other lines, onto a single track section which went for quite some distance! No wonder the frequency isn't going past half-hourly, they must have awful timetables during peak time.

We got to Central station, disembarked and pulled out Google Maps. We needn't have bothered though, the signs to our hotel were right there along with the rest of the station signs! The hotel is literally part of the station complex. Let's bear that in mind when we talk about refurbing Flinders Street!

The humans were quite tired and I was running low on battery, so we didn't do much more that night. The hotel room had a desk, which was a logical place to put charging electronics, but since we use Bible Gateway instead of carrying a dead-tree Bible, evening devotions had to be done there instead of in bed! So if anyone asks you what it's like to see a grown man standing in a hotel room in his pyjamas reading Hebrew names off a smart phone (we're up to 1 Chronicles), you may refer them to Asha for her opinion.

A Quick Trip to Queensland: the Jungle Jet

We made it to our new gate without incident - well, with only one incident. Midga had completely forgotten that he had his mini screwdriver set in my case, a throwback to the days when my hard drive was playing up. Customs in Terminal 4 had examined them closely but not said anything. In Terminal 3 they said screwdrivers are prohibited on flights and took them off us. Ah well, we'll get another set some time, and they'll be brand new instead of slightly damaged ones.

So as I was saying, we got to our new gate. It was right at the end of the terminal so we weren't sure which plane was ours, but there was a Jungle Jet (Embraer E190) out the window and we were hopeful.

As we arrived the staff were in the middle of an announcement about people who might have trouble boarding - and said we'd be using airstairs instead of an aerobridge! What fun! Asha said she'd appreciate help with the stairs (her knees are still giving her a bit of grief) so she got to get on board first. Midga and I followed, and since we were from a bumped flight we were right down the back in the cheap seats - which was great because we could get in and settled before everyone else started crowding onto the plane.

We've never been on one of these before, but wanted to ever since Australian Aviation ran an article about them. It said they'd done a lot of second-mouse improvements over the 737 and A320 ("The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese" - ie if you wait til someone else has gone in and done something, you can learn from their mistakes). The windows are nearly twice as wide as on a 737, and line up with the seats fairly accurately. The fuselage is wide enough for 2+2 seats with a very comfortable amount of width and an aisle that people can pass each other in. And the way Virgin have done them there's enough leg room even for Midga to stretch out without kicking the person in front. I very much suspect we're in better comfort here than in Emirates' 777s!

There was a bit of condensation coming out of the air conditioning as we were waiting for takeoff - the same as on the Aldi Airlines DC-9 we flew when we were in the USA. Maybe it's a back-of-the-plane thing.

Now here's something for the tech heads. Midga and I can't work it out with our combined expertise so let's open it to the world. As part of the In-Flight Entertainment there's free wifi on board this plane (told you the Jungle Jets were good), but to access it we need Virgin's app and - here's the weird bit - we need to be in flight mode. Doesn't flight mode turn off wifi? Or does Virgin's app have special permission to use wifi even with flight mode on? Anyway, we can't seem to make it work, and besides, we don't have any headphones so the only option is to pay for them. That kinda takes away the value of free wifi. Shame about the movies though.

Fairly soon after we reached altitude the snacks came around. Being a much smaller cabin than on a 777 they arrived at our seats pretty quickly, even with only one trolley doing the whole plane. Midga put his tray down to hold his cup of tea, and I could fit on the remaining section of the tray. It's good being a slightly smaller laptop sometimes.

A Quick Trip to Queensland: departure, take two

Good afternoon dear listeners, you'll never guess what happened! About two seconds after we last spoke, our flight was cancelled. They'd been juggling flights around departure gates for a bit, so I suspect we got the short end of the stick in a massive cascading exercise - take a plane from a less-crowded flight to avoid cancelling a more-crowded flight, and delay another flight to allow a crew from an incoming flight to make a quick transfer to avoid another cancellation.

So we're now flying with Virgin instead of Jetstar, which is fine with me because it'll probably be a 737 or E190 rather than an A320. It's departing two hours later than our Jetstar flight was going to, so hopefully the Brisbane Airtrain runs all night on public holidays.

Virgin's check in system hadn't caught up with the fact that we're now flying with them so they told us to come back in an hour. Jetstar gave us some vouchers for airport food as an apology for the inconvenience - and while I deplore the silly habit most humans have of eating all the time, if they must do it it's probably better to do it now than when they get to Brissie. And the cafe they chose to eat at has a TWROAPP!

As a "new world order airline" rather than a low cost airline, Virgin fly from Terminal 3 not Terminal 4. It's a few years since Asha worked at the airport but she still knows every nook and cranny of T3 - no matter how much the shops and decor get changed the structure is still the same.

I guess that makes it time to go and check in. I'm going to get x-rayed again, I bet you. No pain, no gain...

A Quick Trip to Queensland: day 1, departure

For no reason at all folks, what's the date? December 25th, it's Christmas! What, so they both fall on the same day? Must be slippery!

Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week. My name's Clippy and I'll be your compere for this holiday blog.

So I guess you're all wondering where we are. Well look around you - airliners, overpriced coffee, crying babies, and banks upon banks of uncomfortable seating. Yes folks, we are in an AIRPORT!

To be quite exact we're in the brand new Terminal 4 at Tullamarine. It's very nice - lots of windows for looking at planes from, power points at every seat in the eating areas, and drinking fountains that have vertical taps for filling water bottles. Considering it's the "el cheapo" end of Tullamarine, serving Jetstar and Tigerair, I'm quite happy with it. A High Speed Rail station underneath is the only thing that could improve it.

So we're flying with Deathstar, and our A320 is just outside the window waiting for us. Narrowbody jets look so tiny after all the 777s we've been on before! The cafe next to the terminal has a huge mural of a Douglas A-26 Invader (the 1944-45 version with the eight guns in the nose, can't remember which version it is), and the radial engines on the wall look bigger than the whole fuselage of the Airbus.

We used the self-service check in to drop off our hold luggage. It's quite a painless process, just press a few buttons, scan a few barcodes and you get your luggage ID sticker. Stick it on, drop it on the conveyor belt and you're done. And there's people around to help if you need it.

Then we went through the usual x-ray (they took a good hard look as I went through - all the phone chargers etc were packed in the front pocket and it lit up like a Christmas tree) and then tramped through the endless corridors to our gate. Since this is the budget end of the airport we didn't have to thread our way through duty free alcohol and jewellery shops, which was an unexpected bonus.

Our flight has just come up on the departure board so I'm going to sign off and have a short snooze until Midga lets me know we're at altitude and I'm allowed out. Talk soon!

Airport rail link study - analysis

So I read the official report of the Melbourne Airport Rail Link Study, which doesn't seem to be available any more but I can send you a copy if you like.

Well, I won't beat around the bush - it's not a good study. I started doing a page by page critique but in the end I found there were three main categories of failing:

1. It suffers from being a study in isolation, rather than a part of a full scale integrated urban and transport plan. Of course we didn't have a full scale integrated plan back then (and still don't really) but it causes all sorts of problems for the study.
2. It shows indecision about the purpose of the airport rail link - whether it's to be an express shuttle or a suburban stopping service
3. The methodology is flawed with the result that some worthwhile options were not even considered.

So let's look at some examples. I'll try to avoid repetition because that's dead boring, but take it from me that these failings are liberally scattered throughout the report.

A study in isolation

So as I said up there (I could make you scroll up and read it again but I'm Mr Nice Guy today), the study was made in isolation - it examined options where a project started, delivered an airport rail link, and then finished. It couldn't examine any options where a project started, delivered all sorts of improvements over a number of years, and allowed an airport rail link to grow from the seeds it dropped by mistake.

Intuitively, an airport shuttle has high commonality with an intercity high speed rail link. They use similar technology, and in Melbourne they'd most likely run along a similar corridor. Unfortunately at the time this airport link study was released the Federal government's high speed rail study was incomplete. This meant that only basic tests could be run to see if the two were compatible, or to realise any economies of scale between the two. In an integrated long-term transport network study, each project exists as a stage of a rollout, rather than being designed in isolation. That would not only ensure compatibility between the two, but the studies into each project would be cheaper too.

Surprisingly, in this study, as the team went through the various options for an airport rail link they only rated integration with the PTV and Melbourne Airport plans as one of the criteria in the assessment. Some options were shortlisted even though they didn't fit with the other plans, which means they would need to be modified, at some cost.

There are several examples of options being rejected by the study due to capacity bottlenecks in the rail system today. For instance:

• On p113 the study team found that "Melbourne Metro is expected to reach capacity at the time when MARL services are introduced", and therefore decided not to run airport services via the Metro. But lack of capacity could be solved by introducing technologies from overseas which allow frequencies of up to 48 trains per hour, using systems similar to our proposed High Capacity Signalling.
• On p119 the study team were measuring running times via various routes, to see whether it was possible to meet the requirement for overall journey time to the airport. The team assumed current line speeds and timetables, even though these could be improved with track upgrades - but the upgrades were outside the scope of the study, which made certain routes unviable.
• On p125 the study team came up against a critical lack of capacity at North Melbourne station, because airport trains would be added to the already overcrowded tracks used by Sydenham services, and more capacity would be required on the Craigieburn line as well. The station has space for two more platforms and the junction could be redesigned, which would benefit the entire system, but again this was outside the scope of the study.

In each of these cases it would be possible for the extra capacity to be added, but the cost of doing so would be out of proportion to the value to airport travellers. An integrated transport plan could recognize that other services on the system would be improved by the works, giving a benefit to passengers on non-airport services. These options couldn't be considered by a plan for an airport line in isolation.

Possibly the most telling example in this category was on p133. The effectiveness of various station locations was being examined, but the study had to eliminate both feeder buses and Park & Ride from consideration, because those two factors have almost infinite variability and would be impossible to study within the timeframe. But they can change the dynamics of a transport network dramatically, and affect the viability of a project. An integrated plan would, by definition, include all of that.

Indecision of purpose

The case for an airport line was defined by the study team in terms of air passengers (p10-11 and throughout the document). If travellers are the target market, the ideal service is an express stopping at major transport interchanges only. However, throughout the study there are indications that the thinking behind the plan is for a metro service. For example:

• In the Functional Requirements section express running is described as "desirable" but stopping services are acceptable if the travel time requirement is met. Air travellers don't want to stop - particularly at stations where airport trains will be acting as a Metro service because there's nothing else available, as it would overcrowd the trains.
• It was assumed that airport trains would run either the Melbourne Metro tunnel or the City Loop, and stop all stations through the suburban system (stated explicitly on p151 and p130 respectively but hinted at several times prior). This is consistent with a metro service but not with an express shuttle.
• The orbital option, with airport trains running from Broadmeadows to Sunshine, was eliminated from consideration because it "will not align with future metropolitan rail strategic operational planning, due to them being in two different sectors of the future rail network". An express shuttle should be part of a separate network again, on separate tracks.
• On p133-4 we are told Skybus will continue to operate after the rail line opens - this would be unnecessary if the rail service was an express shuttle.

But then on p133-4 we are told that the line will operate with flat rate fares, separate from the Met zone/fare structure, and at rates similar to Skybus tickets today. That will make the airport line unattractive as a suburban service.

An unstated assumption in many recent rail studies is that all rail lines are assumed to be equal - if there's rails there should be stations. There's no concept of express shuttle services (airport), regional services skipping suburban stops (RRL) or bypass lines serving existing stations only (Melbourne Metro). New stations are good for the people who live within the "pedshed", but it means that new rail lines only increase the catchment of the system - they don't reduce overcrowding, either of passengers on trains or trains on tracks.

Flawed methodology

The supposedly exhaustive examination of available corridors, with multiple sub-options and three vertical alignment options for each, took so much of the study team's time and effort that other available corridors, eg the Upfield line, were not considered. A good study doesn't need to test everything - it should be clear from the outset that certain combinations of horizontal and vertical alignment are badly sub-optimal, which will leave the study team free to target their work more precisely.

Possibly because of this drain on the team's resources, some variables were eliminated from the study and converted to assumptions - eg the service frequency of ten minutes (p133). By not testing the model with different combinations of variables the study team has left the project open to the possibility of vicious cost cutting - for example, if a future government decided to build the line but only allow for hourly services, the study would have no hard evidence to prove that the line would fail to provide an effective airport link under those circumstances.

In both the Strategic Merit (high level) and Rapid Appraisal (low level) sections of the study, equal weighting was given to every criterion - and each criterion was given only two possible values, there was no graduation of "more worse" and "less worse". This resulted in a relatively crude method of scoring. It should be the role of PTV to establish a standardised method of appraisal (a set of criteria, with weighting of each) based on an extended form of triple bottom line, formulated by customer surveys.

There were also internal contradictions in the text. The question of through-running with services in the Dandenong corridor (via the Melbourne Metro tunnel) was specifically avoided due to uncertainty of the way the rail system will be run when the rail link opens. However the benefits of single-seat journeys from the south-eastern suburbs to the airport were noted at several points. Even if the operational layout had been settled, the study made no reference to the requirement for extra rollingstock to service the longer route, or to track capacity on the Caulfield lines for the extra services. Surprisingly, near the end of the study on p145 the cost savings from through-running of trains are quantified, even though the possibility of through-running had not been confirmed.

Possibly the most disturbing inconsistency was that at several places the study showed signs of an incomplete understanding of track design - for instance, assuming the use of a flat junction next to a tunnel portal, instead of using a split portal arrangement to form a completely grade separated junction (which would have a negligible marginal cost). Also, on p103 the line is specified to cross the Maribyrning River after flying over a local road - which would require gradients too steep for trains to climb.

Conclusion

As a study, this shows severe flaws and its findings should be considered indicative at best. Before any moves are made towards building a rail link to the airport, the above three issues should be addressed.

How to fix up Flinders Street

Cross-posted from "A World Class Transport System for Victoria", which I've been working on since 2008 or so and which has been about three years from completion over most of that time.

It's all in stuttered point form because that's the way I like to write. Laconic. Terse. To the point.

Heritage restoration

Dismantle clock tower, domes, platform canopies and ironwork, main entrance clocks and interior pressed metal fittings. Completely restore them and document any details lost from the original plans. Demolish existing building, platform structures, concourse and underpasses, including main Elizabeth Street sewer, and build new facilities to modern building codes, with equivalent function (but higher capacity), in approximately the same location as today’s.

Transit oriented development

Build three storey transit oriented development covering entire station area (St Kilda Road to Elizabeth Street, Flinders Street to Yarra River walk track). Replicate the original facade and apply restored interior fittings to the new structure, with replicas to make up additional quantity. Space allocation:

• G (Elizabeth Street level): platform access only, with replica cellars along Flinders Street, designed for use as service-industry retail outlets
• G1 (St Kilda Road level): station concourse (see below)
• 1: Retail development, with food court along south side incorporating panoramic windows overlooking Yarra River
• 2: Commercial office space
• 3: Residential development
• Roof: Recreation lawn and swimming pool
• Main dome: Public event space
• Clock tower: luxury hotel suites incorporating self-guided technology museum of station clocks

Main entrance and concourse (“Under the Clocks”)

Build fast food outlets around perimeter of concourse to avoid impeding passenger flow.

Elizabeth Street entrance and underpass, including Sir Robert Risson tram terminus

Build walkway 20m wide with DDA-compliant ramps to platform level. Apply PIDS screens on walls to avoid hanging signs, thus reducing requirement for depth. Build two platform tram terminus in underpass, for better interchange with heavy rail services. Fence off 4m wide section on west side of tram terminus for bike track connecting Yarra River with Flinders Street.

Degraves Street entrance and underpass

• Build walkway 10m wide with stairs to platform level (DDA compliance is not required as the Elizabeth Street subway and main concourse will be sufficient for mobility-impaired passengers).
• Apply PIDS screens as per Elizabeth Street underpass
• Add another exit for direct access to the tram stop on Flinders Street

Main Platforms

Build DDA compliant platforms and apply heritage platform fittings, using replicas for any of the originals deemed impossible to restore. Platform 1 will be in approximately the same position as today’s; other platforms will be at different positions due to elimination of middle tracks and increased platform width.

• Platform 1 (5m wide, 600m long, incorporating current Platform 14): Spare (broad gauge)
• Platforms 2/3 (10m wide, 160m long): Clifton Hill Group and Burnley Group via City Loop
• Platforms 4/5 (10m wide, 160m long): Northern Group via City Loop
• Platforms 6/7 (10m wide, 160m long): Caulfield Group via City Loop; interurban services from Broadmeadows forming services via Caulfield
• Platforms 8/9 (10m wide, 160m long): reverse of Platform 7; interurban services via Footscray forming services via Ringwood and Epping
• Platforms 10/11 (9m wide, 160m long): reverse of Platform 9; Sandringham

The Angelico Anglo-Austrian Adventure - Arriving again in Australia

Flying in a 787 is much less stressful than any other affordable option. There were no complains about ears popping, air conditioning dessicating or tiny windows inducing claustrophobia. But humans aren't designed to sit in one position for eight hours, and movies are of limited value as a form of entertainment.

Our stopover in Dubai was very brief - straight off and straight on again. Midga is getting a runny nose, if he's not well enough to go to work on Monday that's going to look a bit suspicious!

Brunei is still under refurbishment. Seeking drinking water Midga goes first to the shops, and then to the toilets. Both prove fruitless - the shops only sell hot drinks (at exorbitant prices, even by airport standards) and the toilets are in a state of cleanliness somewhere between Blackburn and Flinders Street.

We got the same plane (but a new crew) for the last leg to Tulla. We're in the aisle and middle seats of the starboard side of the plane this time, not the middle section, so we can watch the passenger next to us play with the window dimming control. Pity it's dark out. Hopefully there's an early dawn.

Midga and I get in a good game of OpenTTD during the flight but there's no in-seat power so that only lasts as long as my battery. At the end of my tether it's still dark outside, but we're passing over generally familiar territory. The maps on the in-flight entertainment units have a really weird way of choosing which cities to show, so Midga has a bit of fun working out where we are in relation to (say) Mildura when the only towns shown are Adelaide and Donald.

We start our descent between Seymour and Shepparton, and on the way down Midga could pinpoint Craigieburn, Caroline Springs, the city, Highpoint and Essendon. The landing is one of the best we've had so far and then it's a quick run on the Skybus and we just walk across the street to get home!

Once again ladies and gents it's been a pleasure to be your correspondent on the spot. Please wish Midga and Asha a smooth transition to normal life (for various definitions of normal) and many pleasant honeymoon memories.

The Angelico Anglo Adventure - Aviating Back where we Came on a Dreamliner Extraordinare

Abandoning my addiction to awkward alliteration, I woke the humans right on the crack of 10:30am and made them pack their bags. Before leaving they spent some time taking selfies with Shelly, which seems to be a good way for humans to deal with the whole being-on-the-wrong-side-of-the-world thing.

We took the bus to the tube station, and boarding the bus with baggage is just as hard as it was on the way in - it wasn't just because they were jetlagged. From my vantage point inside Midga's backpack I could feel every acceleration and deceleration, and if I had inner ears I would have been quite seasick.

On the tube there was more room, since it was off peak time, and we made the trip without incident. Changing at Acton Town for the Piccadilly line to Heathrow we managed to get a 1973 train - the same age as the Hitachis and still going strong. The trains seem to be in an M-T-M-T-T-M configuration, or at least that's how the cabs are arranged. We were in the fourth car, so we could see the driving controls in the adjacent cab. They looked basic and reliable like a W-class tram's, and Midga expressed a wish to have a go at driving one.

Heathrow hasn't changed since we were here two weeks ago. There's some sort of security scare on at the moment so they're being a bit more thorough with their bag checks, and we were told to arrive three hours before flying instead of two. That meant more time to kill after check-in of course, but we found power in a coffee shop and settled down to wait.

As we are now leaving the land of tube trains, let me just make sure I've covered everything.

As an Old World city, London has grown with not so much urban planning as urban opportunism. Even the spare of urban renewal courtesy of the Luftwaffe in 1940 didn't really make London focus itself on any particular key areas for development - or at least if it did that isn't really reflected in the layout of the transport network. That makes it hard to know what's what by any method apart from memorising vast numbers of origin/destination combinations and their attendant journey plans. An interesting side effect is that there's no rhyme or reason to platform numbers - where we can define Platform 1 as being the platform for up trains and Platform 2 for down trains (Burnley excepted), in the tube there isn't even a universal definition of up.

It's particularly bad on the Circle line. It's not a true circle - it comes back and meets itself, but not at the origin. From Paddington you can get Circle line trains in four different directions! How is this handled? Every train says "This is a Circle line train via x and y" - with x and y changing at intervals along the trip. Quite clunky really.

Most routes (including the Overground, DLR and British Rail services) use the "Fish and Chips" method of running services - a main line into a big city station with lots of terminating platforms. It's more flexible operationally than the "Apple Pie" method (services running through the city and out the other side, with only a few extra platforms) but uses more land and is less flexible strategically. So as tube patronage has grown and capacity at terminal stations has been filled, weird stopping patterns have arisen, with trains terminating one or two stops short of the end of the line. Also when new lines are built (or existing ones are connected up) they have to do the same thing.

Tunnelling, and especially making modifications to existing tunnels, is vastly expensive, especially in high value real estate. Anyone building tunnels needs to plan it carefully and tie it in with urban planning for the next few centuries, because changing it once it's in place is as close to impossible as macro evolution. Not looking at anyone in particular, Victorian Liberal party. And when I say plan, I mean every aspect - for example, a tunnel which enforces a non-standard loading gauge and platform height is a bad tunnel. (Incidentally, they really have done the very best they can with those tunnels - the trains fit like a 500-class in the Mount Lofty tunnel, which means the air in front of the train all gets pushed forward, not around - so the breeze in the face that tells you a train is approaching is of hurricane proportions.)

There were a few curiosities that don't really matter but stick in my mind. Escalator Manners exist in reverse - stand on the right, walk on the left. They don't drive on the wrong side of the road, I wonder how that state of affairs came up.

Tube trains are only just starting to get air conditioning now. Most trains just have a window in the end communication door for ventilation, not even hopper windows. And yet they manage to have trains packed to the gills (longitudinal seats will do that) without, presumably, people passing out regularly and needing an ambulance. Or maybe they do and that's why there's an ad campaign in the best "Eat More Fruit" style, telling people to keep cool with a bottle of water.

Due to the different loading gauges there are "mind the gap" announcements at most stations. But where the platforms are at the right height the gap is miniscule - about as good as our tram super stops. Suspension on the trains must have been tightened up or something, I've never seen that on a heavy rail network.

Well, bye bye tube. You've taught me a lot and I'm going to hold onto my Oyster card even though I could cash it in and get a few quid for it. Like Aslan would have said if he'd had wheels instead of paws, you form the backbone of Transport For London, which is both honour enough to raise the head of the poorest beggar and shame enough to bow the head of the most powerful king that ever lived.

A Narnia quote is always a good way to finish off a blog post.

The Angelico Anglo Adventure - Thomas and Bertie

Thomas, you understand, represents gunzelling. After all, most gunzels since the 1980s have grown up on Rev Awdry's books (or at least the TV derivatives) and they answer all the basic questions like what a set of points does. But Bertie, in this case, isn't a bus but a Wooster. More of him later. Yes, much more. Foine, foine, foine.

So today the humans got up and got going at a decent hour for a day's gunzelling - that is, earlier than they have for the rest of this holiday trip. After wasting a considerable amount of time focusing their attention on food and clothes, they headed off. In two different directions! Asha went for the Shakespeare Globe theatre and Kensington Gardens, but she had a very frustrating day because she couldn't get in to either of them and wasted a lot of time waiting for buses and trains, which I wouldn't have minded (as long as there was a station to study, or something) but when you have something else in mind even studying foreign railway infrastructure just doesn't satisfy. So let's skip over that and talk about the day Midga and I had.

We started by putting a few quiddages onto his Oyster card, we knew it was going to get a work-out today. Then it was off to Kings Cross St Pancras, which on the tube is one station with exits on both sides of the road (ie one to each station). Poor Gordon was so close when he went to London and said it was "all wrong". Anyone who's played Scotland Yard will remember stop 13 with tube connections to anywhere at all. Incidentally we're going to have to have another go at that game now.

St Pancras is, of course, St Pancras International. And it really feels like an international airport! The shops are all up-market (one which is still under construction advertises itself London's oldest bookshop, which is puzzling). International and long distance trains are upstairs, and the Overground and short distance are downstairs. A double decker station, why not?

We took a Class 319 EMU to Farringdon. It's very much like a Sprinter (the trains on the Buxton line) on the outside, but the inside is more for short distance trips. When we got off we noticed Farringdon has 25kV AC overhead and 750V DV third rail on same tracks. That's good to know, like the combination of light rail and O-bahn.

Back we went, and this time visited King's Cross - London terminus of the Flying Scotsman. Today it's a nice mix of old and new - classic brickwork walls and a modern sculpted roof with blue light projected onto it. A footbridge connects the main platforms and it also goes through the wall to the section where local trains run from.

Ask me how they keep pigeons out of the station! Sometimes natural methods are the best, they say. In this case it's the most effective I've seen. Wait for it - they have an official Network Rail raptor handler, who parades a real live hawk around the station to frighten them away. There were exactly 0 pigeons at King's Cross today, giving the bird of prey method a distinct edge over the Caulfield spikes and the Box Hill netting.

Eventually we made our way back to the tube to visit Euston. Actually from King's Cross St Pancras you can't get to Euston itself, you can get to Euston Square which is about 400m away. It's just the wrong distance, not far enough to take a train between them but not close enough to call it part of the same station.

Euston itself is very grubby by comparison with the other two, the platform section has low ceilings and poor lighting. The concourse is nice and open though. Interestingly it still has what looks like a motorail dock, but by the look of it I reckon it's only used for getting freight into station.

By then it was time to head off for Leicester Square, because we're seeing Jeeves and Wooster today! Should I break that out into a new post? Nah why bother, you get a mega post today!

I was a little apprehensive to be honest, because the charm of the books is Bertie's inimitable narrative style, and the contrast between the way the events really happen (which the readers work out for themselves) and the way Bertie sees them. The TV series misses this completely, by telling the story from an external point of view, not Bertie's. But this stage version was great. It existed as a sort of play within a dinner party narrative - it opened with Bertie telling us how Bingo Little had loved the story and suggested he do it on stage, and then saying "I've seen lots of theatre, acting seems pretty easy so here goes!"

The story line was the one about Totleigh Towers and the cow creamer - is that Jeeves and the Feudal Spirit? Or Right Ho Jeeves? I shall have to research this question, woe is me. All the roles in the inner play were played by three guys - in the outer dinner party they were Bertie, Jeeves and Seppings. That was good - it meant they didn't have to find an actress who could do justice to the role of Aunt Dahlia (red face, massive bulk, massive voice, genial nature, breezy manner and love of the use of blackmail to bend nephews to her will) or drag any supermodels away from Hollywood at enormous salaries to play Madeline Bassett. Plus, it meant the petite Stiffy Byng was taller than Bertie, and whenever Roderick Spode entered there was quite a business of Seppings climbing up onto a wheeled truck (Fessick and the holocaust cloak, anyone?) and operating a dummy colossus figure like a glove puppet.

The narrative was shortened somewhat, to get it into a two hour theatre slot. But that gave the authors an opportunity to exchange the policeman's-helmet-out-the-window gag with handing the bally thing to an audience member in the front row. We had bought cheap seats in the crick-neck area, which was a shame for Asha who could see about a third of the action, but great for Midga who got to handle one of the props of a professional London show. He had Asha's Tyrolean hat in his other hand, and had to be very careful to give the right one back when Jeeves came in with his magic wand at the end of the show.

Technically, the show was quite brilliant. The stage was fairly bare at the beginning, with Bertie in his easy chair and not much else. Then there was a noise of hammering off stage and Jeeves rolls in the wall of Bertie's drawing room and says "I thought it might lend colour to your narrative, sir" and Bertie says "I say, Jeeves, did you just whip that up now? That's amazing!" The actor playing Bertie had a grin just like Andy Payne, and I thought he suited the role perfectly.

Later in the show Jeeves brings out a bike with its back wheel propped up, and pedals it as the stage rotates! Bertie acts all confused of course, "I can't find the door Jeeves, where have you put it?"

Changing costumes is done cleverly each time. To play Madeline, Jeeves takes a moment to panic, then snatches a lamp shade off a lamp to be her hat and a curtain off a window for a skirt and speaks falsetto. When Stiffy springs her trap on Uncle Watkin and he summons her to tell her not to marry Bertie, Jeeves comes out in a half-and-half costume (Seppings is playing Sir Watkin's butler Butterfield at the time) and has a dialogue with himself.

I think it can probably be summed up as being a show full of the performers' inner Bugs Bunny - in other words, a great one. I think even non-Wodehouse fans would appreciate it.

After the show we wandered around Leicester Square for a bit (looking for food as usual) and then started heading for Aldgate - there's another dancing lesson on tonight. The way to Aldgate was via Euston, which Midga and I enjoyed but Asha formed the opinion that if she never saw another tube station in her life she wouldn't mind. The narrow twisting passages all alike and pressing crowds in peak time aren't the best environment to be in when you've already done 20km of walking that day and have a broken toe. But that mood passed when we got to the dancing class, because they were teaching something called a "Swing Out". Apparently that's something both my humans have been waiting for. To me it just looked like bodies bouncing around the stage and arms and legs jerking in random directions. No wonder Asha had her feet on Midga's lap (where I usually sit) on the tube on the way home.

Tomorrow we fly home.

The Angelico Anglo-Austrian Adventure - Twain on Europe

Mark Twain once described New South Wales Government Railways' practice of weighing baggage and charging for the excess as being "troublesome and European - that which is not troublesome cannot be truly described as European". And so it proves as we board the ferry for Dover - compared with our southbound crossing where we just went straight on, straight off and on our way, this time we had to queue up for ages, get off the bus, go through Passport Control, get back on the bus, and then queue up again to get onto the boat. Incidentally, it's the same one we had before, the Pride of Burgundy, owned by P&O Ferries.

It felt good to swap the universal plug adaptor from European to British mode. Luckily we were on board before all the tables in the bar became occupied, and one TWROAPP was still vacant. So Midga and I spent most of the voyage playing OpenTTD, which we haven't done for ages. No WiFi on the boat unfortunately.

The bus ride from the docks to London seemed to last a lot longer than it did. The crew were good, but not as hilarious as Spencer and Neil. Driving up the motorway we paralleled a railway - Midga and I were hoping it was the main line to the Channel Tunnel and that we might see a Eurostar flash by at some unbelievable rate of knots. Unfortunately we saw nothing at all - not even a local EMU. Ah well.

When we got to London Victoria the driver announced the directions for people transferring to the National Express service to Glasgow. Now over here, National Express is a bus company, not the owner of M>Train, M>Tram and V/Line. Who travels to Glasgow by bus when there's two completely awesome rail options? Well I guess it's the same answer as who goes to Austria by bus instead of flying or Chunnelling - people who holiday on a budget.

From Victoria we got the tube to Shelly's and arrived just as the humans were approaching 0% battery power. So no gunzelling tonight. It was dark out anyway.

The next day it was time to start our London adventures. We sat around gasbagging with Shelly for a while, then headed out. Just shopping today, and getting an idea about navigating London.

The number of options for buses and tube stations is mind boggling. Without a grid network of main roads there's bus routes within walking distance in several different directions, and with the tube the way it is you can pick which one to walk to based on where you're going. I wonder how long it takes to get used to it.

So we went to Oxford Street, to a discount clothes shop called Primark. Apparently it's even cheaper than KMart and Target, and Asha needs some clothes of some sort. What with the crowds, the queues and the decidedly non-linear (and completely nonsensical) method they use to allocate numbers to sizes, we spend most of the day there.

That evening is spent recounting our Austrian adventures to Shelly, and talking randomly about anything that comes up. Fun people are fun.

The next day it was time to tourist around. We started by going to Paddington station to buy our London Passes. It's a kind of "welcome to the city" card, where you pay 47 pounds and get up to 90 pounds worth of museum entries for the day. Paddington itself was quite a sight - five HST sets all lined up, and the usual massive concourse lined with eateries. It's just like being at Manchester Piccadilly again but with different trains!

And that was just the beginning, we were off to the Tower of London. Which is quite old, even in human years. We took a guided tour with one of the Yeomen Warders, who told us bloodthirsty stories about beheadings and political intrigue which would completely destroy your respect for the monarchy if you didn't bear in mind there weren't any parliamentarians back then so each member of the royal family had to possess disrespectability enough for six, just to make up the allotted quantity.

We had to hurry (sic) a bit because we wanted to see about a dozen different places today, and the next one on the list was Tower Bridge, which is right next door. Victorian era engineering, my all-time favourite! Unfortunately the "Tower Bridge experience" is aimed at tourists who really don't care how steam power or hydraulics work and just want to take a few happy snaps and then leave. Worse still, when people who ARE interested see an exhibition like that, all they can do is take a few happy snaps and then leave - with a few wistful backward glances at the stunningly restored brasswork and cylinder castings. Still, the rivetted ironwork holding up the towers of the bridge was quite a sight. And there was a video reenactment of Queen Victoria discussing the urban planning, world heritage and skyline implications of having a second river crossing. That was fun.

Now I'm not really qualified to comment on the afternoon, because without legs and feet of my own I have no idea just how tiring it can be to tramp around London, going from map to map and wondering why it takes so long to get anywhere. But at least we got a chance to buy tickets to Jeeves and Wooster for tomorrow, which we're seeing with Trevor F.

To my (limited) understanding, walking and dancing are pretty much the same thing, so if a pair of humans don't feel like walking, a whole evening of dancing will be right out. But no. Not only did they brave the rain to go to a blues dancing lesson, but they paid good money for it too. I'm beginning to see how Midga could behave the way he did at the Tyrolean night - after all, he likes learning stuff, and keeping in time to the music is pretty much the same skill as stepping from one pallet of chairs to the next without falling over. Not that he ever did that, of course. Not while he was secretary of the Say Stafe Steam, or Stay Safe Team, or whatever they called it. No, certainly not.

After about an hour of shamelessly bumping his rear at everyone else in the room the lesson was over. My attention span was pretty much done, but Asha said there was another whole lesson to go, AND something called "social" after that. It was too much for me so Midga and I went for a bit of a stroll. No particular reason, we'd just seen trains in the distance and were curious.

And I'm so glad we did! It was the Docklands Light Railway, which runs driverless trains! The station we were at was one stop from the city terminus - or rather, the city termini, because there are two of them. Since we had an Oyster card already on the go we decided to take a ride. From Shadwell to Bank we just sort of watched through the window, observing the strange shape of the third rail and the electrical conduit running down the centre of the Four Foot connecting to each rail alternately - presumably providing a return circuit in case ground isn't the same as ground when there's 25kV AC trains running in the same reservation as 750V DC light rail vehicles.

From Bank to Shadwell we got the front seat. There are notices up saying that we have to vacate the seat if asked to by the Customer Service Agent if they want to drive the train from the front. At one point she was doing exactly that - she pressed a button to say "Close the doors" and then another to say "Go", and the train did everything else. It knew when the flat junction between the Bank and Tower Gateway lines was occupied. It even knew there was a train slowing into Shadwell station in front of us - and from the way it slowed down in increments I think it must have moving block safeworking. That would explain why I didn't see any signals - do you call it in-cab signalling when there's no cab?

Incidentally, re the flat junction, Bank is an underground station, and immediately after the junction the line descends off a viaduct to ground level (and then into a tunnel portal). Why on earth couldn't they put the descending lines in between the flat ones and avoid the junction? Anyway, it was fun to see the train's automatic "driver" stopping at a "red signal" on a steep gradient, and then starting again when it went "green".

Back at Shadwell with time to kill we visited Tower Gateway, which has platforms on both sides of the single terminating track - which provides a unique example of a station which has a single platform and a double platform by the same operation.

Watching the track from the front of a train never gets old. We need more half-width cabs, or double decker vehicles, or (let's go for broke) driverless trains in Melbourne!

Back at Shadwell we glanced around the Overground station (which was in fact underground) but the trains were the same Class 378 things we saw a few years back. It was almost time for social so we went back to the dance studio.

Now social, I've worked out, is just a piece of time when there's no lesson going on. The people who took the lesson are still around, the music is still on, and anyone who wants to dance can just get up and dance. Midga and Asha had a go but they were a bit tired and headed home pretty soon. The teachers and several of the students expressed deep appreciation for them visiting from the other side of the world, and homeward they trod.

In London there are quite a few bus routes that keep running at a useful frequency until midnight. It's amazing. So we didn't take the Overground back to the tube station to go home, we just sat in a bus shelter trying to keep the rain off for a few minutes, and then a bus came along.

Double decker buses are fun. Up the top you can see forward, but you're so high that perspective tells you everything's closer than it seems. So a cyclist who's calmly minding their own business in the left gutter looks like they're inches from disaster when actually the bus is overtaking them in a perfect "be nice to cyclists week" manner.

From the tube to Shelly's Midga offered Asha a piggy back, but he's getting out of shape and couldn't do it. Pity, it would have made quite a photo.

The Angelico Austrian Adventure - so long, farewell, auf widersehen, goodbye

We headed downstairs for breakfast for the last time. I've noticed breakfast music is quite different over here. In Australia we usually hear slow jazz with a lot of brass and no beat, which makes people drag their eyelids open and linger over their coffee. Everywhere we've been so far in Europe has played march music with a distinct rhythm to it, which makes people chew their food and then get up and do stuff.

On that (musical) note, a word about in-store and background music in general. As you know, in-store music sits close to Midga's heart, as it represents his biggest victory over the bureaucracy. He started a thread on the Officeworks discussion forum saying how much the Christmas music sucks and offering to record some which people would flock to the store to listen to. All the other stores jumped in and agreed, someone from head office saw it, and that year there was no dreary Christmas music in stores.

Anyway, in-store music over here, mysteriously, tends to be stuff we know - American pop songs from all eras, sung in English. I get the point that most people over here speak English so it's not a problem, but they have plenty of great music of their own, why do they have to get fobbed off with second-rate American junk like James Hacker was?

After breakfast we had some time to kill before we were due to be joined by Midga's Swiss relos - they aren't actually Swiss but they live there. So we took the bummelbahn to the next village along and took the cable car up the mountain - just for fun, and for the photo op too.

Cable car tech is cool. They manage the difference in speed between cruise and boarding by having the cars drop off the cable and into a rack which moves at a crawling speed. The rack also has a trip mechanism which unlocks the doors (and locks them again just before transitioning the car onto the cable). It's a fairly flexible system, cars can be added or taken off as required (we saw spare cars stabled at the winding station). The traction comes from a 25kV plant in the winding house, and the place is full of hefty cables delivering RICH CHUNKY VOLTS to some fairly solid looking steelwork. The stanchions are passive, they have enough roller wheels to allow the cable to change angle if necessary, but don't add any power. The grip mechanism on the cars has to fit into the groove on the wheels, obviously.

The most distinctive feature of the cable car as a mode of transport is that it's not really DDA compliant. Since the car keeps moving (at a crawl) anyone who's really unsteady on their pins will have trouble getting in and out. Ditto wheelchairs. Depending on the exact method of taking cars on and off, I can conceive a system where people get onto a stabled car, which is then swapped for a car that was running. That should fix the DDA issues, leaving the cable car as a very useful option to have in a transport planner's arsenal. It provides a 20 second service frequency, is fairly straightforward to scale up (by adding cars until the winding house draws more power than the grid can provide, or the science of metallurgy can't provide steel cables that will take the weight), and operates at quite a reasonable speed. It's also got a very small land footprint while being independent of road traffic. Unfortunately I suspect capital and maintenance costs might be a bit higher than for some other vehicle types, but staffing costs are minimal.

The views from the car on the trip up the mountain were amazing. Since the car travels in a (nearly) straight line from staunchion to staunchion, the height above ground level varied considerably. Sometimes we were close enough to see every flower, other times we were above the tops of the trees. Some of the staunchions were pretty tall too, and what was funny to Australian eyes was that the maintenance access ladders weren't guarded with razor wire, and didn't have cages around them. Mountain people are just sensible, I guess.

We got out of the cable car about 20 seconds after the last bummelbahn which would get us to our hotel in time to meet the relos. So we checked out the regular bus timetable, which is also an hourly service. It would get us there just in time, and we had 40 minutes to wait. So we decided to visit the wood museum.

It would have been fascinating for someone who could understand German - as well as the wood carving full scale models of all sorts of things, there were videos showing every stage of the process (including growing the wood). Somewhat cheekily they charged us an extra euro on our admission fee for the privilege of taking photos.

Unpainted timber features heavily as a building material in the mountains. After all, there are plenty of trees there, and they're tall and as straight as a laser beam. The timber look, combined with the planter boxes full of flowers, makes the houses look beautiful despite being practically identical. It's time timber made a comeback as a building material, and oil made a comeback as a method of treatment instead of paint.

We got to the bus stop in good time, and the bus turned up at the exact minute the timetable promised. Nice. EUR2.80 took us to the hotel (it's a zone system, according to the metadata on the ticket), on a nicely padded seat in a very quiet bus. It was a high floor with two doors, and had luggage racks. The "Next stop" buttons were in English!

The relos were there when we arrived, and the humans started nattering away nineteen to the dozen. After a huge lunch (after which a doggie bag was required) they took another cable car up to the top of the hill in the village. Uncle Willem looks at the way mechanical things work, same as Midga and I do, so he was able to tell us a few things we hadn't been able to glean from a good long look at the works. It was great to have someone to geek out with.

From the top of the hill we had a complete view all the way round (just like the idiot whose wife used Lumps) and spent quite a bit of time just strolling around taking in the views. The paragliders were taking off from a cafe near the top station of the cable car run, so Midga and Uncle Willem watched them take off and examined the aerodynamics of every stage of the flight. Luckily for the girls it started to rain or we might have been up there all day. We took shelter in the cable car, and by the time we got back down the rain had given up. We kept chatting until it was time for them to head home (they had a four hour drive ahead of them) - or rather, until they'd said it was time, continued the conversation, said it was really time, stood up, had another conversation as an afterthought, said goodbye, given messages to all the family for relaying when we get home, explained their plans for their next visit to Australia, and said goodbye again. Ah, family.

Then it was just a waiting game. We watched our host receive another bus load of guests, not nearly as well behaved as us - petty, demanding and not all that polite. Maybe that's why when we all got on board our bus he came aboard to thank us and wish us a pleasant journey. Thank you, Harfenwirt.

From there it was a marathon of driving, Spencer's humour (until he decided it was late enough to turn off the lights and let the human passengers sleep), breaks every two or three hours, and reading Verity Stob. Midga didn't sleep much, which meant my battery got a workout. Luckily we've found power here at Calais where we're waiting for our connecting bus to London.

The next post will probably involve some tube trains. How exciting!

The Angelico Austrian Adventure - in which Midga climbs a tree and scrapes his hands

After winning the quiz night and getting a good night's rest, we were all up and about at 7:30 - apparently it's a long drive to Salzburg and so we had an earlier start.

In the bus we had a bit of role reversal - Spencer was driving and Neil was playing hostess. Heading down the mountain is getting less scary now - tacking around corners and holding up the traffic in both directions seems almost normal. Heading out on a different road to any we've taken so far we saw a servo selling AdBlue for about EUR0.75 - I guess that's to be expected with a lot of Euro 5 engines around but I'd never thought about it. How do we handle it in Australia? Are the only Euro 5 engines in operation owned by big transport companies that have their own fuel points? Or is the AdBlue topped up with the 50,000km service? Interesting.

On that note, there are a lot of old looking trucks around. The styling suggests something from the 60s or 70s, and the makes are names I've never heard of. It's quite a mix, most of the vehicles on the road are ultra-modern, the same sort we see at home in the colours of forward-thinking transport companies (if that's not a contradiction in terms now that FCL is gone). But there's nothing in between - I haven't seen a single Scania 3-series, Volvo F model, or any of the square bodied Mercedes that were common in the 80s and 90s. For rigid vehicles, the Mercedes Unimog seems to be the chassis of choice, which strikes a chord for me.

On the way to Salzburg we're actually crossing the border into Germany, through the section of Bavaria where Hitler settled after being released from jail. Spencer told us the whole story, without referring to any notes, while he was driving down a winding mountain road. Amazing.

As we got in to Salzburg the first thing I noticed were overhead wires. But there were no rails and on second glance I noticed there were two on each side. Salzburg has trolleybuses! That merited some photos. They're articulated, and have trolley poles that are quite long so the bus can be in either lane and still pick up a wire without difficulty. Interestingly the wires are staggered from side to side like ours - we do it to even out the wear on a pantograph, but you can't have a pantograph when you have two wires. Mysterious!

The Europe-wide agency that organizes local tour guides for tourist buses had somehow managed to get the time wrong. Apparently they're good at that, and also at forgetting to roster anyone on at all. But when she turned up she was in traditional dress and told us her middle name was Maria.

First stop was the Salzburg zoo, where the scene with the children climbing trees was shot. Midga went up one to get his photo taken, not too high as the group had moved on. The gazebo (without an arrow sticking out of it) where Rolf and Liesl had their after-telegram date was in the same area - it was built for the movie and the producers presented it to the town once the movie was finished. We weren't allowed in but we got a photo showing the gap in the benches where Rolf knelt down and Liesl did her best to give him a nasty flesh wound with a high heel.

Then we headed for the old part of Salzburg and looked around the various ancient buildings. On the way there we were directed to look out the right side of the bus, and through the trees (throoooooough the treeeeeeeeees) we caught the merest glimpse of the house which was the model of Captain Von Trapp's mansion. The rest of the tour was about the history of Salzburg and the birthplace of Mozart, which was interesting in its way but not really what we came for. But we did walk through a cemetery and see a genuine edelweiss in bloom.

In between eating lunch, Asha went into a few clothes shops and looked for a reasonably priced (ie anything under EUR200, which is about AUD something incredible) traditional dirndl. Not a hope. Apparently there's factory outlets around, but inner city clothes shops are priced between the tropopause and low earth orbit.

We rejoined our bus and went to a town called Mondsee, which has a beautiful cathedral which is where the wedding scene was filmed. None of it was in the least bit recognizable - we'll have to watch the movie with the photos handy and try to compare. Still, the artwork was quite a sight.

We had nearly an hour to kill before our bus left, so we went to a few more clothes shops and Asha actually tried on a dirndl that was priced well within the troposphere. There was nothing that really fit her without alterations, but from the front she looked lovely. I think Midga thought so too, and when he was invited to take a photo (that's the beauty of big cameras, they can't be easily hidden) he was over the moon. A cheaper-looking shop had the kind of prices we like but not the right size. And of course ordering anything in wouldn't work.

So we sat by the lake and watched the ducks swimming around. And picked up WiFi briefly.

Back through Salzburg we saw a trolleybus which had lost its poles - it still happens, and the driver still has to get out, pull them down and put them back on. I suspect once we get back there'll be a big rethink of the Smart Passengers policy on urban transport where there's no rails.

On the way home they had a DVD of the original Sound of Music movie playing on the bus's info system. Midga took off his headphones after a while (altitude, ears, bad combination) and could still say most of the lines in time to the lip-reading. Sad.

Tonight we're going to hear the owner of our hotel play the harp for us all. Apparently he does all sorts of styles. This should be quite an evening.

The Angelico Austrian Adventure - define service ceiling?

This morning we woke in good spirits and proceeded downstairs. The interminable process of eating, the humans' favourite pastime, was soon over and we got on the bus. Unlike yesterday the skies were as blue as we try to make them in The Gondoliers and the sunshine was doing its job of illuminating everything. Midga made sure he had his camera with him, at least a few shots should come out well.

We had to pay extra for today's tour, but it was well worth it. The first stop was Krimml Falls - the most amazing series of waterfalls you could imagine. There was a walking trail to get up to the top, but we only made it about half way up before it was time to head back down again. Still, the views were stunning, and we saw several flowers that might have been edelweiss. On an unrelated note, Midga got to play with his camera a lot, including macro mode and lots of zoom.

As we got higher our rate of climb dropped. It took us about five minutes to do the last 25m, and since service ceiling is defined as the point where rate of climb at maximum takeoff power drops to 100ft/min we were well above our ceiling. At least we didn't need oxygen masks.

From there we went to Kitzbuhel, which is a skiing town but has enough people that aren't tourists with no sense of the value of a Euro that we were able to find a bakery selling apfelstrudel for a reasonable price. From the way the humans ate it I can well believe LeBeau would count it as his first choice for a means of using Treatment A on Schultz.

There was also a railway station, with a level crossing which had a long express setting so we got good warning of a train approaching. As a station it was nothing special (the stations on whatever network this is are very like ours - minimal facilities, bare concrete, etc) but we had two EMUs and two freight trains go through in the space of a lunchtime, which was perfect for taking advantage of the great photo weather.

The road to Kitzbuhel parallels an old narrow gauge line (it looked like about 2'0" or 2'6" when we crossed it), where diesel trains run regular services but during summer two trains a day are steam hauled. We passed one of each on the way, but photos from a moving bus aren't easy to take. The steam loco was a 2-8-0 with a four wheel tender. The driving wheels were tiny but the loading gauge was quite generous so I bet it had quite a decent bit of tractive effort. Probably the strangest thing was seeing narrow gauge rails on 100% concrete sleepers with deep ballast. It's like being in the Queensland coal fields but even more so.

What with the weather and the scenery (and the trains) it was probably the best day we've had yet, but there really isn't much to put into a blog post. So to pad it out I'd like to tell you all how funny it is to hear Midga trying to speak German.

Having lived his entire life speaking only one human language and one or two computer languages (apart from that brief episode in which he tried to learn French, with very mixed success), he is now madly pulling together everything he's absorbed unconsciously from the Goons, Biggles, various war movies and the technical specs of German planes and trains, and trying to use it in conversation. Guten morgen. Haben sie, bitte, ein T-Mobile SIM card? Nein? Danke schoen. Of course it helps that almost everyone speaks English, and that there are some conversations (Ullo. T-Mobile SIM card? Nah. OK.) which sound exactly the same in both langauges.

Interestingly, the guttural sounds we always expect to hear in a German phrase don't seem to be much in fashion here. Apparently that's mainly from the Swiss. Everyone here sounds just like Fraulein Hilda, even when they're locals talking to other locals rather than to foreign tourists trying to absorb the local culture.

But just like the French, they reward tourists who make an effort. Today when Asha ordered strudel in Kitzbuhel, she did it in German and was rewarded with a big dollop of whipped cream for no extra charge. (She couldn't finish it but she has a devoted husband who is always willing to help out with such things.)

Tonight there's a trivia quiz, with tour guide Spencer as quiz master. Should be fun! And tomorrow - Salzburg.